I must have blacked out everything between the third or fourth shot of Skol on Saturday night and waking up in the hospital the next day. Apparently in between then I was brought to my dorm room, whereupon I vomited all over the floor, choked on my own vomit and stopped breathing before an ambulance carried me away. I had a lethal amount in my system and would have died if I had not been treated as quickly. I have an aunt who works as a police-officer who has taken a good many calls of this type, and in not one instance has the person survived.
Perhaps I was lucky to be unconscious during the worst of it. If I actually had died I wouldn’t have experienced the panic of my body trying to stay alive or the fear of impending death. I would have gone out happy. I’m glad I’m alive though. I don’t want to die. I want to graduate in May, I want to see Myth published and there are countless things I haven’t gotten to do that I’d like to.
I could go further and state that I’m lucky this happened at all. I’ve always been sort of out of it and generally unaware. I’ll forget to eat unless it’s at a scheduled time, when I ran track I sometimes didn’t know it was raining until someone mentioned it and two years ago when I was a freshman on Saint Patrick’s Day I shattered my elbow and only though I might have hurt my wrist a little until the next morning. On Saturday night I didn’t feel nauseous or get any other warning signs I ought to that I should stop drinking, so this was probably bound to happen eventually, only I might not have survived some other night. Now I know that I’m not capable of telling myself when to stop and the only solution is to never start again.
Being a teetotaller will certainly have some downsides. I don’t just imagine that I’m a more pleasant person when I drink, I’ve been told so. On the internet I can choose only to talk about the things I find interesting with the people I think are worth talking to, and in meatspace that’s a very small range. I’ll also have to figure out how to get to sleep early enough on Wednesday nights to get up in time for my early classes on Thursday.
A funny thing is that when I was told that people at my church were praying for me and one of the pastors there stopped by (he happened to be dropping his son off) and gave some God-talk and prayer at my hospital bed, it made me feel better. I still haven’t told any of them I’m an atheist, and that would probably have been the worst possible moment. Some people get closer to God after a near-death experience, but that didn’t happen to me. I don’t think there’s any deep reason I survived and so many others don’t, it just happens.
I’ll feel kind of out-of-place at AA, because I’ve never really felt any urge to drink and I don’t do it all that frequently. I just don’t stop when I should when I do drink. Alcoholism runs in both sides of my family, so I’m likely prone to it and would have wound up an alcoholic if I hadn’t stopped early.
I’m at home now with pneumonia and I’m not allowed to return to class until next Monday. I’ll probably be light on the blogging.
Entitled to an Opinion 
February 19, 2008 at 5:11 pm
Damn.
That’s pretty shocking (and the Internet is a strange place — I never would have conflated ‘TGGP’ and ‘still in school’, and that’s in a good way). Good luck with, uh, not nearly dying any time soon.
A funny thing is that when I was told that people at my church were praying for me and one of the pastors there stopped by (he happened to be dropping his son off) and gave some God-talk and prayer at my hospital bed, it made me feel better. I still haven’t told any of them I’m an atheist, and that would probably have been the worst possible moment.
I think the religious pretty much have the death and near-death thing nailed. I don’t know of any atheists who have done a good job on the subject, and the best of that bunch tend to make religious references (I think Douglas Adams eulogized an atheist friend by saying that he was “Looking down on us and smiling right now.”) I wonder why that is.
February 19, 2008 at 5:59 pm
Please be more careful with yourself.
I wouldn’t necessarily conclude that you’re an alcoholic, or even that you should stop drinking, but perhaps you need a minder. Laputan-style, maybe?
February 19, 2008 at 8:06 pm
If nothing else, you’ve given that ‘there are no atheists in foxholes’ number a run for its money. Good luck, and watch the depression. I’ve been at death’s door a few times, and look what it’s done to me!
Get well soon, jim
February 19, 2008 at 8:21 pm
Shit. I’m really glad you pulled through — and not just because I’m looking forward to hand-delivering your copy of The Myth of Natural Rights. If AA doesn’t work out, my advice is to stick with beer — at least until you know the game. I’ve self-medicated with alcohol since I was a lad, and it’s always worked for me.
I know. Probably not the best advice. And of course, the Jesus people mean well. Take care, my friend. You’re just getting started.
February 19, 2008 at 8:55 pm
A harrowing story, but one that’s more common than most people want to admit. Despite all the cultural trappings and polite wine tastings, alcohol is a drug, pure and simple, and it affects different people differently. Probably more a matter of brain chemistry than anything else.
If the booze is a crap shoot, you might want to move on to something a little more managable, like smack.
Just kidding, of course. Take care. Nobody should have to go through what you just went through more than once.
February 19, 2008 at 11:15 pm
I appreciate the sympathy but the universalist in me wonders if it might be better directed towards someone who didn’t wind up in such a situation through their own damn fault.
Please be more careful with yourself.
Hey, don’t tell me what to do!
perhaps you need a minder. Laputan-style, maybe?
What’s the going rate for them?
watch the depression.
That’s never been an issue, not even now. Perhaps it just goes to show how out of it I am.
I’ve been at death’s door a few times
I’d like to hear about it.
stick with beer
Probably a good idea except that I don’t trust myself not to reach for the harder stuff once I’ve had a few in me. Plus, I like the Schelling-point effect of complete abstinence.
Nobody should have to go through what you just went through more than once.
I think other times I’d be likely not to go “through” at all. More like a dead-end. Get it? Dead? I couldn’t resist.
February 19, 2008 at 11:33 pm
Glad you made it through. Please don’t create a tragedy for us – you may have noticed we’re suffering a ghastly shortage of intelligent people on the planet as it is.
I have a similar relationship with alcohol, not craving it except at certain times of stress, like when I have to be gregarious at dull social occasions, but definitely not knowing how to stop once I start. There is no off-switch, no voice in my head that says ‘I’m a bit tipsy, better take it easy.’ I just keep going, and it bewilders me that other people have that much good sense after a few drinks. I have never been hospitalized, so although there have been one or two occasions when perhaps I should have been, I’ve never gone the AA route. I am also too skeptical about their understanding of addiction. Good luck with it though, I hope it helps.
February 20, 2008 at 2:38 am
Self-preservation of the human animal before anything else. I used to think I was invulnerable too, but reality always wins if we aren’t careful. Good to hear you are alive, and like Byrne, I was surprised to see you are still in school. I don’t want my blog-roll to die on me. There’s few enough people from the 6.6 billion out there on it as it is.
February 20, 2008 at 1:16 pm
like everyone else, i’m surprised, and impressed, you’re still in school. when i was a senior in college (not, admittedly, that long ago) i was still a starry-eyed universalist.
at least your friends took you to the hospital. the last time i blacked out, i woke up half-naked on a tarp in a basement.
you probably won’t like and don’t need to join AA. as mencken would’ve said, the thing reeks of ‘uplift.’
February 20, 2008 at 1:56 pm
Don’t know if it will help. but when my doctor told me I had Hep and I absolutely had to quit drinking entirely, I just did with no problem.
After you start to notice how simian your friends seem when drunk, an elevated sense of superiority should carry you over.
AA is good for coffee, cigarettes and hearing a lot of incredible and sometimes true stories, but you have to avoid the home-grown pop psychology aspect. I’d say deep emersion in on-line Halo would be more therapeutic. good luck, homes…
February 20, 2008 at 6:24 pm
Stick to pot, not only is it better for you but you are resisting the iron fist of the state with each toke.
And, take care. You are one of my very few blog readers, I can’t afford to lose any.
February 20, 2008 at 10:21 pm
My apologies. Let me modify that:
Be careful with yourself, or we’ll break your arms.
February 21, 2008 at 3:33 am
Even if you decide to quit, don’t waste your time with AA, that organization is a bit screwy.
February 21, 2008 at 5:21 pm
ashen man, perhaps you should tell other people that when you drink too much they should say so to your face. Hopefully you’ll remember that you told them to do so while sober and then do the smart thing.
an elevated sense of superiority
I used to have that when I was Puritanically religious and now it would probably remind me of how I was in the past, which strikes me as inferior!
Be careful with yourself, or we’ll break your arms.
Damn straight!
So what’s wrong with AA, Reader? Mencken’s “uplift”?
February 21, 2008 at 10:56 pm
I don’t really know what to say to all this, TGGP. I am so glad that you did not die and are still with us. Like everyone else, it is hard for me to believe that you are a junior in college and are only 21 years old (presumably). Because you are so damn smart! I am hanging around with a bunch of ferociously anti-intellectual wannabe Hispanic gang members, smoking blunts and listening to gangster rap all day and nite. I sort of hate parts of this utterly degraded wigger lifestyle, but it’s definitely fun in a subversive and underground way. Plus all the homies love to hang with me since the cops here all love me and they are likely to leave the homies alone as long as I am around. The reason the cops like me is cuz I am White and relatively well-behaved and don’t act like a hoodlum. That’s kind of rare around these parts.
Anyway, back to you. Yes, you almost died. There is really nothing to say to that other than glad you did not die and we are very happy to have you still with us. You seem to have sense enough to have learned your lesson from this episode, which is what life is all about. When I taught school, I used to assign my classes to write an essay called, “How I Learned My Lesson”. Any objections saying that one had never learned any harsh truths so far in life were dismissed, and the person was called a liar and ordered to write anyway. We all learn our lessons, or at least harsh truths are slammed into our faces with the 2 by 4 of life and we are demanded to learn or else. Idiots even then refuse to learn and generally die young. Looks like you have the sense to look the cruel master in the face as he whacks and say YES SIR. Which is one of life’s major lessons right there. Learn your lessons. Well. Or else.
I’m rather enamored of marijuana, but I only take one hit a day or so. Anymore than that, and I get side effects these days. It makes me saner than any psych drug I’ve ever taken.
Peace out bro.
February 22, 2008 at 2:09 am
Bob, when are you going to settle down and raise some red-diaper babies? Peace to you as well, and tell the impressionable mini-hoods to watch out so they don’t fuck up like I did.
February 22, 2008 at 3:36 pm
TGGP,
Many congratulations on your survival! Both my inbox and my blog would be far poorer places without their frequent shots of TGGP.
I am no expert, but you sound like a problem binge drinker rather than an alcoholic proper. Then again, if it runs in your family, no reason to let it start.
A couple of years ago a young man who had had far too much to drink climbed up my fire escape while I was not at home, and fell off my roof. A four-story drop onto concrete. Luckily, above the concrete was my neighbor’s pimped-out 4×4 with off-road shocks. The 4×4 needed a new hood (and its shocks have probably never been the same), and when the fellow came back and visited two months later, he was walking with a slight limp. I get the impression he’d learned to take care of himself. I also get the impression the same is true of you.
February 22, 2008 at 5:07 pm
I also fell on concrete as a freshman, that’s how I shattered my elbow. It was only the second story though.
February 26, 2008 at 2:06 am
Wow, receiving advice is really annoying, isn’t it?
As for AA – apart from it being a weird evangelical cult, you mean? Well, there’s their unfounded conception of alcoholism as a ‘disease’. To say that someone who hasn’t had a drink for 20 years is an alcoholic and always will be seems absurd to me, and the belief that their first sip of booze will lead to an uncontrollable binge, a dangerous self-fulfilling prophecy.
There are secular organizations for both abstinence and moderation. But if AA’s working for you, I’m sure you won’t let commenters on your blog dissuade you. And it’s possible that it might work best for you because of your previous religiosity. What’s your higher power now anyway – dein Eigentum?
February 26, 2008 at 2:27 am
I haven’t actually started attending yet, but I am scheduled to see some counselor people in coming weeks.
I also think the idea of alcoholism as a “disease” is silly. I take the Szasz/Caplan line. I also have nothing I hold more important than myself.
February 28, 2008 at 4:14 pm
Then how could your preferences come so close to ending your existence on the night in question? How is it you wandered into a predictable situation that had such a high probability of killing you. It sounds like you preferred another drink to yourself.
February 28, 2008 at 5:08 pm
I did not realize another drink would endanger my life. It might seem obvious in retrospect but I was oblivious. That is why I conclude that I should not drink at all.
February 28, 2008 at 5:09 pm
Also, I would further state that I am not like Hopefully Anonymous in putting continued existence above all. I could certainly see a situation in which I would prefer death to torture or something.
February 28, 2008 at 7:26 pm
If Caplan’s right then you don’t lack any such capability. You simply have a strong preference to continue drinking once you start. You have the ability to change that preference.
February 28, 2008 at 8:45 pm
Imagine it as a conflict between multiple selves at different times. There is the me of right now who is sober and risk-averse. Then there is the drunk me that feels invincible. I don’t think either of us is aware of what my limit is of alcohol I can consume and still behave sensibly, and the drunk me isn’t even aware of how much has been consumed. I am going to prevent the drunk me from making any decisions by not drinking.
February 28, 2008 at 9:27 pm
So you can’t tell when you’ve had two drinks? Like Caplan I find that very unlikely. Of course you could if you cared to pay attention.
Was this the first time you’d had bad consequences form drinking?
February 28, 2008 at 9:36 pm
Two drinks wouldn’t be enough to screw me up, but after I’ve had two I’ll likely have more.
I mentioned a previous time I’ve had bad consequences from drinking in the third paragraph of the above post.
March 2, 2008 at 12:57 pm
TGGP, you wrote: “Also, I would further state that I am not like Hopefully Anonymous in putting continued existence above all. I could certainly see a situation in which I would prefer death to torture or something.”
You’re certainly not like me in that way, at least not transparently. Don’t be an idiot- create multiple redundant systems to prevent you from repeating this folly.
March 2, 2008 at 2:24 pm
multiple redundant systems
What? Like a backup set of lungs?
March 6, 2008 at 6:26 am
A very harrowing tale! Glad you are OK, and good luck with the teetotalling
March 6, 2008 at 9:15 am
I’m glad you did not die, TGGP. May you live a long life.
March 6, 2008 at 4:58 pm
I join in the joy that you’re still here, and look forward to many back-and-forths into the distant future.
March 6, 2008 at 9:29 pm
I appreciate the appreciation. Nick, is your last name Szabo? He just goes by his first name in comments, which makes things confusing.
March 8, 2008 at 5:49 am
Moderation Management seem like a more reasonable bunch than Alcoholics Anonymous. Maybe you should check them out.
March 26, 2008 at 9:14 am
Just go ahead and quit it — I did 10 years ago, and really, what am I missing? I’ll tell you straight out that I love level-headed clarity at all times of day or night. It’s definitely an advantage when those around you are knocking themselves down with drink. Of course, you don’t get to excuse your horrible actions by blaming it on the booze — but really, do you need to commit anymore horrible actions? Anyone who tells you to take it easy, but keep on, doesn’t know what you’re dealing with. I did the AA thing for a while, those people weren’t me, and the god thing they go on about wasn’t appealing to me. But, they do get one thing right — alcoholism is a sickness, and it can get a lot worse — that’s the one thing AA was good for, a dose of reality. So — welcome back to the living sober, and make the most of it.
March 26, 2008 at 12:18 pm
Nice to hear from someone who has gone that route. Thank you.
January 17, 2013 at 7:35 am
I really like the story and i like God too.
February 13, 2017 at 5:24 am
M
February 13, 2017 at 7:54 am
M?